Caught, Not Taught: How to Pass Your Values to the Next Generation

Across our long and vivid journey through life, values play a vital role. They are not only the compass for our own conduct, but a spiritual inheritance handed down through the generations of a family. But how do we effectively pass these seemingly abstract yet profound values on to the next generation? This is a challenge faced by every family, and by everyone within a family who cares about how the younger generation grows up. This essay will explore the nature of values, how they differ from other aspects of our lives, and how we can pass these precious values to the next generation through our own conduct and our own stories.

Values Are Grasped, Not Taught

How you act matters more than what you say.

Our values are displayed every day in our conduct, silently conveying a message to our friends, our family, and our business. The clearest display of all lies in how we choose to allocate our time, our money, and our energy. Many families draw up a family vision, mission, and set of values, hoping through this family culture to educate future generations and pass on the family’s core values and traditions. Although such “texts” help to gather family members around a shared way of thinking, many wise families discover that what truly matters is the way you live, not the words left on the page.

Children are born keen observers. They watch their parents’ conduct closely and listen to their exchanges, and can sense almost precisely any inconsistency between what their parents say and what they do.

As adults, we show clearly through our actions our true nature, our real beliefs, and what truly matters to us. These actions are equally telling, whether in great matters or in the small details of daily life.

Our core values are shown not only in the enterprises and the wealth we pursue, but even more in how we treat others, in the time and energy we give to our family, in our generosity toward friends, family, and others, and in the priorities we make plain to those around us.

Parents who see their own core values clearly are often better able to pass them on to their children with intention. Their words and deeds are consistent, and they show more effectively the connection between a particular value and the actions that advance it.

Take, for example, the Lee Kum Kee family, which wished to pass on the value of punctuality. At a family annual gathering, when the grandmother of a fourth-generation child arrived a few minutes late, the host, without the slightest leniency, required her to pay the prescribed fine; after this happened twice, the grandmother was never late again. And when the children saw the exemplary conduct of the most senior and authoritative elder in the whole family, “punctuality” was imprinted deeply in their minds—not as a rule on a page, but as something lived.

The presence of wealth often brings a peculiar gravity with it; the energy around money and privilege is so powerful that it frequently causes people to lose their focus. Children of well-off families may rarely take on household chores, seldom have the experience of a summer job, and even lack, in their behavior, the ability to bear the consequences of their actions. The work opportunities they receive may come solely through their parents’ connections, and so lose the value of objective feedback. Their summers may be filled with travel, holidays, and camps—wonderful experiences, to be sure, but ones that also cause them to miss the chance to practice. It is not surprising, then, when a serious gap opens up between the values of drive, responsibility, and hard work that parents hold, and the values their children actually display.

Parents who wish to pass on their values must commit to involving their children in a range of activities, and for long enough that they gain a sense of accomplishment. Children must have the chance to explore different activities, to choose what interests them, to practice to the point of proficiency or even mastery, and to be recognized for that skill—even in some very small way.

If parents wish to raise children who are driven, proactive, grounded, and compassionate, then throughout their children’s growing years they must consistently take the actions that advance these values. This means not only teaching by word and example, but also continually demonstrating the practical application of these values in daily life.

Parents should show, for instance, how to stay resilient in the face of a challenge, how to display the ability to solve problems when meeting difficulty. Through such conduct, parents are not merely telling their children that “persistence is victory,” but letting them see, through real action, the value and the fruit of persistence.

Beyond this, parents should also attend to cultivating their children’s empathy and sense of social responsibility. This might mean taking part together in charitable projects, or showing care and respect for others in daily life. Through such actions, children learn to care for others, and come to understand their responsibility as a member of society.

In well-off families it is especially important to educate children to understand the value of money and the responsibility that wealth carries. This might include teaching children how to manage money, how to share their wealth generously, and how to recognize and treasure those non-material, more important values in life.

In short, to raise the next generation and pass on one’s values is far more than a matter of verbal instruction. It is a comprehensive, ongoing practice of living, one that requires parents to be their children’s best example not only in word but in deed. By living out these values ourselves, we shape not only our own way of life but also, silently, pave a path for the next generation, guiding them to become adults with a sense of responsibility, empathy, drive, and a strong sense of social responsibility. This way of educating is, without doubt, the most profound and the most lasting, leaving an indelible mark on children’s hearts.

How Values Differ from Beliefs, Hobbies, and Choices

Values are the guiding principles deep within us, quietly at work in every decision of our daily lives. These values form the core of our character; they define not only who we are but also how we behave and think. Beliefs, hobbies, and personal choices, by contrast, are more the expression of our interests and preferences, and may be influenced by external factors, whereas values are rooted more deeply within.

If, in matters of inheritance, we do not attach importance to passing on values, we may in the end pass on only the wealth itself and not the deeper value. People with compassion and a spirit of service, for example, may choose to give generously, while families who prize diligence and effort may choose not to set up an inheritance that lets their descendants live carefree lives. The values of generosity and sharing usually prompt people to be openhanded toward family and society, while those who lack these values may be more guarded and controlling.

At times people may confuse values with beliefs, choices, or preferences. Devoutness, for instance, can be a person’s core value, while a preference for a particular religion is a choice. Taking part in community service reflects a value, while a political stance reflects a personal political choice. A family may worry that its values have not been understood or accepted by the next generation, but in fact values are usually received and expressed in different ways. This diversity is very beneficial to an individual’s growth and development.

In well-off families, the younger generation may struggle to find their own identity in the shadow of successful elders. When a family respects the uniqueness, beliefs, and choices of each member, it benefits not only the individual’s happiness but the harmony of the whole family. Family members may come into conflict with family tradition in their search for their own individuality. If the family can respect and embrace the differences among individuals, it is more likely to build rich, varied, and closely connected family relationships.

Living by Your Own Values Is a Fundamental Ingredient of Happiness

Many in-depth studies show a close connection between a person’s sense of happiness and the alignment of their way of life with their values. When people’s lives align with their four or five core values, they generally feel happier and healthier, and display remarkable adaptability. Acting in accordance with one’s values brings inner contentment; deviating from them, by contrast, can become a source of frustration and stress. When values are shared, they can form powerful bonds; yet when family members, friends, or colleagues hold different core values, those values can also become the heart of a rift.

A deep understanding of one’s own values is the starting point for clarifying the legacy you wish to leave. Understanding your children’s values can greatly increase the likelihood of passing your legacy on to them, and of doing so in a way that is meaningful to both you and them.

Values are not only a framework for behavior and communication but also a filter, and sustaining attention to values is vital to cultivating a healthy parent-child relationship. So why is passing values on to the next generation such a complex process? In it, parents often face several main problems:

1. Children may lose focus on their own values.

For some, privilege and wealth can be a distraction. Amid endless choices they may forget the things that truly matter. When choices become so abundant, values are one of the effective ways to narrow the range of choices and to live a life that genuinely reflects one’s own values. A truly wealthy family has the chance to live a life that fully embodies its values, while families constrained by finances may have to make more compromises in time and resources.

2. Children need to resolve conflicts between values.

Parents can help children understand how to balance multiple, even competing, values. There may be a conflict, for instance, between pursuing financial success and preserving family unity. For the sake of the family enterprise, parents may need to spend a great deal of time away from home, and this conflict of values may be misread by family members. A spouse and children may feel that one member of the family has put the creation of wealth or personal achievement first and neglected family unity and happiness. Such a conflict of values may send children a confusing message, leaving them at a loss to judge what truly matters. This is especially common in well-off families.

3. Understanding the necessity of adolescents challenging their parents’ values.

This is a normal and healthy part of adolescent development. During adolescence, parents need to show patience and a broad perspective. Differences in values are not in themselves the problem; what matters is how those differences are handled. When a conflict of values arises between parent and child, they should ask themselves: is this conflict truly a sign of disrespect for the parents’ values, or is it a problem in how the children communicate? Often, children may lack the ability to express their values effectively or to translate them into action. Parents who have thought deeply about their own values can help their children develop the skills to communicate and to put their values into practice.

And as a parent, you can use the following questions to help yourself reflect:

• What values did I hold when I was young?
• How have those values changed over time?
• What values do my children hold?
• Where are they the same, and where do they differ?
• What is the state of my relationship with my children now?
• What would I like these relationships to become?

Storytelling Is an Effective Way to Share Values

Inheritance is far more than wealth; its true meaning extends far beyond material property. It encompasses all the intangible and tangible riches inherited from our forebears. By sharing personal stories, the legacy and values we treasure are passed to later generations in a way more vivid and more powerful, crossing the bounds of any legal document.

Telling a story is not only a form of expression; it is a journey of self-discovery, letting us look deeply into the course of our own lives, understand what matters most to us, know what our values are, and see how to live more fully and consistently in accordance with them.

When we tell our own stories, we are in fact giving the next generation three precious gifts:

1. We let them understand more deeply who we are, and the forces that shaped the values we are trying to pass on.

Through our stories, they can grasp our character more fully. We are not merely their parents; we are also the dreamers of childhood, the brave explorers, the lifelong learners, the fighters who met challenges and kept going. These stories reveal to later generations a richer and more multidimensional perspective, placing us and our values in a broader and more vivid context.

2. We give them the chance to explore who they are, and guidance in how to shape their own life’s journey.

When they listen to a story, they often place themselves within it—imagining themselves a part of the story, identifying with its hero, connecting the story to their own life experience. In this act of listening, our children can treat our story as a blueprint for their own, discovering the ways in which they resemble us, or the ways in which they wish to strike out on a different path from ours.

3. We are giving them the tools to continue and carry forward the family’s inheritance.

By demonstrating the act of storytelling, we are teaching the next generation about the importance of stories and of inheritance. They will learn to treasure the family’s traditions and stories, and have the ability to keep passing these stories on. In this way, the family’s vision, mission, and values are handed down from generation to generation.

Closing Words

Passing on values is far from a simple matter. It concerns not only how we understand and grasp our values, but also how we practice them in daily life, and how we thereby influence and inspire the next generation.

We cannot teach values through words alone; we need to demonstrate their true meaning through our actions, our choices, and our way of life. Telling our own stories, and sharing our experience and wisdom, will be the bridge that connects past, present, and future and passes our values on effectively. These stories and this lived practice will be the most precious legacy we give the next generation, guiding them, on the road of life ahead, to take the right values as their compass and to move toward a richer and more meaningful life.